Great No Expectations

In relationships, I never paid much attention when someone told me what they loved about me; I was too preoccupied with trying to guess what they’d grow to hate.  And in turn I thought maybe I hated relationships because they always seemed to make me feel bad about myself.  Being in a relationship was like being trapped in a small confined space with myself, with the added terror of possibly having to spend the rest of my life with that one person: myself.  

So I felt better when I was doing something bad, like cheating or pursuing someone who was bad for me or just unavailable.  When I was with someone who was bad -- when I was bad -- I didn’t feel bad because I didn’t feel I owed that person anything.  I could be who I was, say what I thought and never worry that some little part of me would let them down because there were no high hopes or great expectations in the first place.  The real trouble was that eventually these bad choice boys would come to know me in ways that someone I actually loved couldn’t because I didn’t let them.  And yet it was that feeling of being entirely known and accepted that I believed was really love.  It got confusing.  And addicting.

It makes me think of a situation in which I found myself with someone who could only have really good, hot sex with me if we weren’t dating.  When we were dating, he liked sweet, polite sex.  Which was nice – sometimes.  But once we weren’t dating we could have great sex.  And I don’t mean great angry break-up sex.  I mean sustainable, healthy, anything-but-boring, something-to-live-for gratifying sex.  Maybe the thing is that in relationships people feel they need to put their best self forward and instead of growing comfortable enough to just be entirely out there with the person they love, they grow resentful of constantly having to analyze and berate themselves for slipping up and letting themselves be real instead of just really charming.   It’s like having tea with your grandmother and being careful to fold your napkin in your lap and not say the wrong thing. 

I had a boyfriend who said he couldn’t stand the pressure of a relationship.  He couldn’t stand the pressure of constantly trying not to let the person he loved down. I think that it is easy to expect too much from someone – and I know I certainly, often, maybe do.  But I think that when you love someone, sometimes the person you expect too much from is yourself.  It makes sense to want to be perfect for the person you love, but really it’s silly because if you’re in love then you’re already perfect together.  It’s possible to love someone so much that you forget that they love you too.